Why Failing at Committing Suicide was The Biggest Blessing of My Life

by Anne-Sophie · 22 comments

in Blog

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    My eyes open reluctantly. My head feels heavy and my mind is numb. I see my mom sobbing, feel my dad checking my pulse.

    It’s February 28th, 2006 and I had just tried to commit suicide.

    This day had been coming for a number of years. All the pressure that I had been under, all the humiliations I’ve been through, all the sadness, pain and misery erupted in a desperate act to end it all.

    When I think back to those years, I see that the yearning to physically stop existing was just a result of the deadness I already felt inside. My life had turned into a living hell and it seemed to get worse every single day.

    When One Incident Determines Your Fate

    I remember the night before taking an overdose quite clearly. I had positioned my dad’s stationary bike in front of the TV in the living room to work out while I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, Ally McBeal.

    Watching TV downstairs was always risky because I knew that once my brother was going to come home, he’d want to take over instantly. But I didn’t have that channel on the TV in my room, so I took the risk. I wish I hadn’t.

    The scenario that followed after my brother entered the door coming home from soccer practice was the same I had experienced a million times.

    Without so much as a question, he came in, took the remote control and changed the channel. My reaction to this arrogant and humiliating behavior changed on how strong I felt. On this evening, I fought. I protested.

    I tried to get the remote back, but failed. I don’t know if he hit me, but it doesn’t matter. He had humiliated me already in taking away my rights of being equal to him. I sobbed. I was crushed, but not surprised.

    This action may seem minor to you, petty even, but it was only the tip of the iceberg. I had suffered 17 years of being belittled, beaten up, mentally abused and completely run down by this guy three years older than me.

    I had tried to stand up for myself and had been beaten harder because of it. But on that night, it was just too much.

    As so often, I needed sleeping meds to go to sleep and find a little piece and quiet. Why was I not strong enough to move out? Why had I deserved this? Why me?

    Because you’re worthless. You deserve it.

    I believed him.

    When he screamed at me the next morning for reasons I cannot remember, I was done. I had had enough. All my strength was gone.

    All my willingness to hold on to the few good things in my life evaporated. All my love for my family was overwritten by a feeling of numbness. All my hope crushed and all I wanted was to disappear forever.

    So, I quietly went upstairs, took an overdose of sleeping meds, wrote a short letter explaining why I had decided to end it all and went to bed.

    Saying that I thought of anybody else in that situation would be the biggest lie I ever told. The truth is that once you hit rock bottom, your misery takes over all of your thoughts and feelings and you become the most selfish person in the world.

    I did not care that my mom was going out of her mind. I did not feel for my baby sister who couldn’t believe what had just happen. I did not care about how this might have affected my father.

    It was all about me and how I longed for being gone.

    The mixture of emotions I felt during the next few days are hard to describe. In one minute I would laugh hysterically only to go into an endless stream of tears. For a while I felt like I was losing my mind.

    I wish I could tell you that from this point on, my life had turned around, my family woken up and my brother banned from our home forever. None of this happened.

    My depression worsened, my eating disorder got more serious and my life was going in no direction whatsoever.

    Yet, I was unable to make any changes, wasn’t strong enough to be on my own.

    It would take me 5 more years to really get back on my feet, graduate from high school and start going to university.

    I would have to get married and admit myself to a treatment facility to be treated for anorexia before I could even being to understand the beauty of life and why it is worth fighting for.

    But it is.

    Why Live Is Always Worth Fighting For

    It is worth fighting for a place where you get up in the morning and be excited about the day.

    It is worth fighting for a time when you are not crippled by a numbness that is keeping you from inhaling life.

    It is worth fighting for a day when you feel free, happy and fulfilled.

    It is worth pushing through even the hardest of struggles because when you come back out, you will be stronger.

    Yes, I have gone through a lot of unnecessary shit, but I am at a place where I don’t wish for those years to disappear.

    Those years shaped the person I am today. Those years made me a fighter, an optimist and a girl who is ready to embrace life with both arms, no matter what it throws in her way.

    Hitting rock bottom, feeling like you’re completely crushing and then building yourself up again is an extremely difficult, but also incredibly enlightening and rewarding experience.

    It terrifies you, it drains you, it makes you insecure and sometimes breaks a part of yourself, but it never makes you weaker.

    My past has made me more mature than most people my age. It has given me an incredible perspective on what life really is about.

    It has given me the capacity to let go and move on, even when it hurts like hell and you don’t have all the answers you wished for. It has given me a clear and unwavering quest for justness that will be with me until the day I die.

    We all go through hard times. We all deal with crisis. We all have moments when we don’t think we can move on.

    It is easy to fall into the trap of believing you’re never going to see the other side of it.

    It is easy to feel helpless and powerless and to want to give up trying.

    Yet, when we do, we grow, we transform, we evolve.

    It’s time to wake up and see those rough times as chances to reevaluate everything in your life and make the best out of it.

    So get up, shake the fears, let go off the misery and reclaim your life.

    You can do it.

    I believe in you.

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      • Chris

        Thanks for this beautiful, honest and very strong post! I find it very encouraging and rewarding to read – please continue writing!
        Love, Chris

        • http://fightinganorexia.com Anne-Sophie

          Hi Chris,

          thanks for commenting. I am glad to hear you liked the post. I was a bit nervous about publishing it. xoxo

      • http://everydaygyaan.com Corinne Rodrigues

        Thank you for sharing so authentically, Annie. It takes a lot of courage to do that. However, I’m sure this sharing of yours will help someone else in need. This resonates so much with me, as just yesterday I wrote a post about a blogger friend who committed suicide :(
        Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..No Face More BeautifulMy Profile

        • http://fightinganorexia.com Anne-Sophie

          Corinne, thanks so much for commenting. I am so sorry for your loss. It is horrible when someone thinks that suicide is the only option left and we often don’t think about the damage we cause to other people. I am sending you love and strength.

      • http://www.grazieadio.blogspot.com melissa

        Hi Anne-Sophie, I thank Corinne who shared this link on her page. I wrote a comment in her post that if we only knew the psyche of those undergoing depression, we would be able to understand them a whole lot more and not judge them.

        I could very well resonate with what you have felt but for different reasons. I really thank God that you ‘survived’ this incident, yes, not all people do.

        I believe that it isn’t because of our own strength that we are able to decide better but it something supernatural as it allows us to go beyond our own inclinations. I believe that that point when you were able to decide no against suicide, was a real moment of grace ~ a blessing as you have called it.

        Family of friends who have been left with the wound, would ask me ‘why’ and I have no answer for that… it’ll take time to heal and I pray that they will have peace in God’s time.

        Thank you for sharing this and I pray you continue to reach out to other people.

        You are precious.

        • http://fightinganorexia.com Anne-Sophie

          Hi Melissa,

          I agree with you. We need more education on what goes on in a mind of someone who struggles with depression. It’s such a wide-spread illness and takes so many lives. Unfortunately you are right and many don’t survive or never make it out of a depression, but the more support we give to someone who is struggling, the better the chances that the result will be a good one.

          Big hugs to you.

      • http://hummingloon.wordpress.com HummingLoon

        Thank you for writng this. I feel very close to this having struggled in a very similar way for years. It may sound a bit trite, but congrats to you for getting to where you are: healthy.

        • http://fightinganorexia.com Anne-Sophie

          Hey there,

          thanks for commenting. I am sorry to hear you’ve been struggling like this for years. I really hope that you can get to a place were you’re healthy and free too. Life is too precious to throw it away or give up on yourself. Stay strong even if it feels overwhelming. Big hugs to you.

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      • http://www.makinen.fr/susa/wordpress/ Be Inspired!

        Reading this touched me very deeply. I have been struggling with depression now that I’m back to a normal weight. Life just seems so hard at times. I can get sad very fast. I feel empty. And tired. And at a loss as how to get back to a state of (naturally negative) happiness that anorexia seemed to have given me. I expected recovery to bring me good things. That has happened physically, but mentally I’m tempted to say – even though I know I shouldn’t – that feel worse.
        Be Inspired! recently posted..Montreal à la GlamourMy Profile

        • http://fightinganorexia.com Anne-Sophie

          Susa,

          how cool to see you on this site too! I always smile when I see your smiling face. :)

          I am so sorry that you feel this way. I think it’s natural though (even though it really sucks). You’ve been used to the life with an eating disorder for such a long time that you need time to get used to this completely new way of living. Have you considered antidepressants?

          Big hugs, my friend.

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      • stillsad

        I attempted suicide a year ago and failed. it has left me unable to walk normal and with scars that are a constant reminder of what I did to myself. I am not at the point yet where I am happy it failed and life is worth living. I actually have gotten worse and hate myself even more of trying to take my own life and leaving myself a handicap.

        • http://aMINDmedia.com/ Anne-Sophie

          Oh, Elise, I’m so so sorry to hear that. Are you getting help? Maybe you need meds? I know how much life can suck and how hopeless it often feels. But it’s worth fighting for. It really is. Sending you love and light.
          Email me if you want to talk.

          Am 14.01.2013 um 19:53 schrieb “Disqus” :

      • lanthellr

        I think I just decided not to commit suicide. When I say just, it has been a process that has taken weeks just to decide to try. And i did try, and now feel as if it has worked, my efforts are paying off. I have set goals in my life andcan see myself accompleshing them. I never got help, and worked through this alone, something I wouldn’t put on anyone else. Get Help!

        I am so happy I never attempted, because a bullet in the brain isn’t easy o put behind you, but bad feelings are, look not on how you feel today, but how you feel tomorrow, and actively make attempts to better this outlook. Perhaps make new friends, look at a new career path, or go somewhere you never have been and discover new beautiful things.

        I decided to join the army as a medic, and am getting fit. The biggest help was when I decided to go outside, take walks and meet new people. I even started to keep a diary.

        Use what helps you, seek help and good luck. Know otheres have been there and are your friends even though we may not have met.

        • http://aMINDmedia.com/ Anne-Sophie

          Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing this so openly with us. I am so glad you decided that life is worth fighting for and that even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, life can be awesome. Yes, taking your own life is not as hard as living when you’re miserable and fighting when all you want to do is give up and let go. But you have a goal; this is great and you will be so proud of yourself once you achieve it and, to top it, you will have a much, much clearer and deeper understanding of what it means to be human because you want through this dark time. I am so proud of you. You’re a fighter!

      • Loyce Smith

        I was about to commit suicide until I read this article. I’ll take your advice, but if I don’t improve, I’ll probably just commit suicide next month. Thanks!

        • One of Your Math students

          No just go ahead and commit suicide. You were a terrible math teacher anyways.

        • http://aMINDmedia.com/ Anne-Sophie

          Hi Joyce, don’t say that. There’s always hope. Please call a helpline or a doctor. They’ll help you see that there’s so much to live for. Sending you big hugs and love

      • Kelani Lei

        this past saturday, I was really fed of of being belittled. Being teased, bulled, and mostly lied to. People I thought I could trust the most turned their back on me and laughed when I cried. Saturday night, I slit my wrist and left myself on the bathroom floor to bleed out. I woke up on the way to the ER, then blacked out again after seeing the large gaping wound on my left forearm. my insides were outside and I could clearly see bone, I was terrified. What had I done? I woke up again in the ER. 12 stitches in my left arm, and a one way trip to the Mental Institution. I just got released today, and I can’t say I feel any better. But I’m determined to not give up so easily again. Knowing that I’m not alone, knowing that I’m not the only one who suffers, is the only thing thats keeping me alive and kicking…

        • http://annesophie.us/ Anne-Sophie

          Hi sweetie, first of all, thanks for being so open and I’m so so so so so happy you’re still alive. I know it doesn’t feel any better now, but it will over time. You are most definitely not alone and I am here if you need to talk. Give yourself time to heal and take good care of yourself. If you want to write me, my email is: anne-sophie@annesophie.us. Hugs and love

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